You've really cracked good poetic rhyme. For my own taste, it's perhaps a little overdone, but it certainly doesn't feel like the amateurish, formulaic rhyme that people often use, so thats a plus. There's a lovely rhythm to this piece, and although I can't read it aloud [I'm in a public library], I have a feeling that this would be a brilliant spoken word poem, because it has the sort of repetitive, hard-hitting pace which lends itself well to vocalisation. So technically, this is very good.

BUT---I don't really understand it. What's it's point? Forgive my ignorance, but it feels a little like you wanted to produce something that sounded really good [and it does], but gave alot less thought to what you actually wanted to say. Or maybe I'm just dumb.

Linds.

Nice poem lafin it really touched me in the heart. lol haha see eya at school kneegrow

the first part of this is really beautiful. you've always been good at this you should give iit more of a go.

nice